Sorry, I don't speak sober.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
