Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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