Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
