update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
