i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
