I showed him my bush... on skype.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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