Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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