If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
