So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize