I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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