Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
