woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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