Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
