I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
