I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I die, sorry about rent.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
