So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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