I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
