awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
