She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
