his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
