My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
