she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
