Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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