Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
