Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think I won the penis lottery.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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