my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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