I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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