So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
