stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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