Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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