"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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