I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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