Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
