My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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