his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
