John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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