On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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