I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
