I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
