My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Fuck appropriateness.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
