yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
