Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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