i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
