rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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