John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize