Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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