Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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