I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
