one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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