I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
