My liver just broke up with me...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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