i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
