and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
