How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Girls should come with a carfax report
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
