Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
