and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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