I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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